Boxing Day…

It is not strange, that as people get older, they get more impatient and bad tempered. This is simply because, as the years pass, we see the same mistakes and the same responses tried over and over again - and as the years pass we make the same mistakes and we try the same responses over and over again.

In Connecticut, in that school in Newtown, we have a 20-year-old who first shot his mother and then went on to shoot about 20 kids and half a dozen schoolteachers - and the National Rifle Association says the answer is a good guy with a gun to shoot the bad guy with the gun. What about a safer simple solution where neither the good guy or the bad guy has a gun. Then nobody gets shot.

I am so glad Christmas is over. I am so glad the Olympics are over, Oh and the Paralympics and the Jubilee and Williams marriage to Kate and the news of her pregnancy and also all about her morning sickness. Thank God they're all over.

The only thing I found of any interest in all this was the nurse who killed herself after transferring a hoax call through to the ward. She didn't answer the phone in the ward and give out the private information, she simply put the call through, so I would say it was bleeding obvious that she did not commit suicide because of the call she put through but rather she was so bullied afterwards in the hospital that she killed herself as a direct result of this bulling and persecution.


By the way, I no longer type much but rather dictate using Dragon software - and if it works for me, with my Highland Scottish accent, it'll work for you.

By by…

THE ARAB SPRING

Some say the Arab Spring is a reaction to dictatorship, I was going to say out of date dictatorship, but that is an oxymoron, so I’ll say despotic dictatorship grown from regressive tribal values and a religion that hates learning.

Others will say the Arab Spring is inevitable, it is simply their Renaissance. We had our Renaissance 1400 years after Christ, so why shouldn’t they have theirs 1400 years after Mohammed. Too easy, too convenient.

No, the Arab Spring is a direct result of technology. If you want to look for sources for the Arab Spring, look no farther than Japan and Finland. And the USA and Britain. And France and Germany and anywhere that designs and manufactures computers, televisions, mobile phones and all the other gizmos. They were the harbingers of the New Age, the Arab Spring. Nokia and Toshiba, Apple and IBM, to mention only a few.

These countries and these companies, with a highly educated youth living in what are generally meritocracies, and the geniuses who came up with and promoted the Internet, they were the people who brought the Arabs their Spring.

For example, in Iran today, 70% of the population is under 30. And they all have mobile phones, pads, laptops, satellite televisions, etc. etc - in other words, they have all the best and the worst of the rest of the world in their hands, in their bedrooms, in their schools and in their heads.

Then they look round at their world, their immediate world, and discover it is still in the Dark Age, late 14^th century at best, governed by hedonistic despots determined to survive at the expense of the rest of the citizens. The youth in the Arab countries, looking round at what they have and then seeing what they could have, created the Arab Spring. That is its impetus, nothing else. 

THOSE WHO ONLY UNDERSTAND HISTORY, FORCE THE REST OF US TO RELIVE IT.

In Europe, after the end of the Second World War, conventional politics had as its main goal, the permanent prevention of German militarism. Out of this came first; the Iron and Steel Federation which eventually became The Common Market - a United Europe.

The one idea behind this United Europe was to tie the countries of Europe so closely together, intertwined politically, commercially and socially, they could never go to war with each other. This was their uninspired and superficial reading of history. But anybody who was there, or anybody who experienced Europe immediately after the Second World War, knew that the Germans would never go to war again in Europe.

This was not a secret. After the dreadful crimes of the Second World War came to light and after the Allied occupation of Germany - we are talking here particularly of the Russian occupation of Germany, the new German, the young German was an entirely different person from his father and grandfather.

Europe did need an integration, but an integration based on its future needs; trade, trade and more trade without boundaries. Here we are not talking about unregulated capitalism but a capitalism regulated but unlimited.

Instead we have the EU, a Europe constructed to meet a problem that was already history and would always be history. That is one of the reasons it’s in such a mess. The priorities were wrong because the mission was misplaced. We need a Europe which is all about trade and not about culture or history or social integration. If that comes it will come piecemeal and in its own time...

When the driverless car comes in...

Road Rage will disappear..! Which means we'll have to take it out on the voice activated fridge - the only thing still speaking to us..!

And then with the advent of the cyclistless bike, the streets will at last be quiet..

Not sure where this is going, its the writerless blog..!

WE'VE COME A LONG WAY..!

Yesterday, most of the main six o'clock TV news bulletins were led by the story of a precocious fifteen year old schoolgirl from Eastbourne who ran away to France with her 30-year-old maths teacher…not kidnapped and smuggled across the Channel in the boot of his car, but rather, went willingly. As I said, this story led most of the news bulletins at six o'clock - Channel 4 News at 7 o'clock was restrained enough to have it as its third lead.

This was ahead of news of Syria, where the killings go on, of Afghanistan, where the killings go on, the Lib Dem conference in Brighton which will probably choose the next government in 2015.… But here, I have to say, the BBC were mature enough to precede it with the huge story of whether or not the Tory chief whip called a policeman a pled.

As I say, we've come a long way and if the Tarquins who are in charge of TV now had been running the news media in 1940, I'm sure that Gracie Fields buying a new husband would have led the news over the eminent Nazi invasion.

As I said, we've come a long way...

THE COMEBACK KIDS...

The police were on the ropes. After news vendor, Ian Tomlinson, was casually murdered by a policeman in a fit of pique after being made a fool of by protesters and then retired on full pension while the awful truth about Hillsborough finally came out - of police incompetence, indifference and widespread criminal alteration of evidence to avoid any blame for the 96 Liverpool football fans who died that day, along comes Dale Cregan to save the day for them by killing two unarmed police women.

There was not a dry eye on camera, and if that wasn’t enough, the Tory whip, public school boy, politician and banker - I’m surprised he wasn’t an estate agent as well, then allegedly insults a policeman who was only doing his duty by not opening a gate for him.

In a moment the police were off the canvas, off the ropes and back on the attack - again and with crime rates falling year-on-year, it must be the case that the police now employ many more criminals than they have any hope of catching.

Bloody Banana Cake...!

I'm cooking my third banana cake, the first two didn't cook through and through so with this one, I turned the heat up higher than recommended and baked it for TWICE as long...and it still isn't cooked...!

Think I'm going to give up on making banana cakes...

It could have gone either way..?

I've been drinking for sixty odd years – and stopping for sixty odd years and now need to stop, but the sums could go either way.

What I mean is there’s a case for both, but to demonstrate it, don't want to have to pile piles of reminiscences on reminiscences because a) they’re hard to remember and…  b) they're hard to remember (have I said that..?)

Anyway, finally, finally did the sums and although the count was close, the figure didn't lie and I had to give up the booze..!

And then they brought out wine bottles with screwon tops - NO NEED FOR CORKSCREWS, JUST WIND IT OFF - SO NO CONTEST...

So now back on it again, thank god...Yes, yes, I won't forget. I'll do it tomorrow, first thing, I promise...!

A BUSY EVENING...

About eighteen months ago I was captain of a ship called the Swanland. It was a smallish bulk carrier, carrying a full cargo of about 3,000 metric tons and trading mostly around the British coast and Ireland.

On one short trip from Raynes Jetty in Colwyn Bay, we took a cargo of limestone to Workington in the Lake District. Due there late in the evening and being completely unfamiliar with this port, I ordered a local pilot to meet us on arrival.

He duly arrived, climbing on board up a rope ladder from a pilot launch. A short broad man in his late fifties, he also seemed fairly taciturn but in the darkness of the ship’s wheelhouse, it was difficult to make him out and anyway we were only interest in getting the ship tied up alongside and the cargo discharged. The Swanland worked 24/7 (but fair's fair - they had us only do one cargo on Christmas day)

It wasn't an easy approach to Workington - the Swanland was about the maximum size for the port but the pilot did a brilliant job, swinging the ship completely round at the last moment before backing her through a lock with only a couple of feet clear on either side. We tied up in the tide free inner basin.

When we were all fast, I went into the chartroom to sign his docket and as he went to leave, idly asked was he going to stop at a pub on the way home.

"No," he replied, "I'm going straight home to change!" and then in the dim light of the chartroom, I saw he was soaking wet from head to foot.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Oh, I slipped off the ladder climbing down from the quay to the pilot boat. The rungs were icy. Went right under the hull but they fished me out," referring to the crew of the pilot launch.

I forgot to mention it was also snowing heavily. When he'd gone I went out onto the wing of the bridge to check the air temperature. 

It was minus seven centigrade.

I was going to write to the local paper about him - but never got round to it.

...and ten months later, long after I'd left, the Swanland broke up and sank in bad weather off the Welsh coast of Anglesey and six of the eight Russian crew drowned (you might remember it, there was a lot of publicity becasue Prince William was one of the helicopter pilots).

The owner, a proper little English gentleman from East Anglia with a Bertie Wooster stutter had stopped paying for maintenance to the hull - but that's another story.

Yea, me neither…!

Tony Nicklinson wanted to die. Ever since a stroke had locked him into his own body, reducing communication with the outside world to decoding his eye blinks, he'd wanted to die.

So badly in fact, he’d gone to the High Court to allow his nearest and dearest to kill him. When the Court refused this, such was his disappointment that several television commentators reported he seemed to have lost the will to live. In fact he died a week later…

Now you see that we have to stop here and consider what these TV people were actually saying (if indeed it can be unpacked).

They were saying that he was so disappointed with not being allowed to die – he lost the will to live and died.

Yea, me neither…!!!

IT WORKED ONCE, SO WHY NOT..?

Constantine was in a bit of trouble. The Roman Empire was getting fat and lazy and very very self-indulgent and the Hun was not only at the gate - he'd applied for the position of Gate Keeper, putting in a very good CV listing all past work; murder, arson, rape (cattle) and plunder (women) and qualifications; murder, arson, rape, kidnapping, accountancy…etc…etc.

Then Constantine was told about this luny little sect, the Christians (his only previous contact was watching wild animals lunch on them). They, he was told, were the only people who got to work on time (Coliseum stoning practice) and kept their word (God's) while pressing nose to grind stone (average two Ohhh levels) - this unspeakably serious, nutty, humour free sect.

But times were bad and the Empire was heading for the Swanee and Constantine needed a populace imbued with similarly aimless and cost free focus and dedication, so sent out a Big Edict (six cylinder supercharged) that EVERYONE in the Empire was now a Christian - since yesterday! and so were to pull themselves together, get off their arses and down the job centre.

And it worked (for a while anyway) but the downside was that everyone was now a Christian with all the cringely smug '...look at me as well as listen' narcissism we all know (and don’t love) so well.

Seven hundred years later, Abdul The First (to the camel) had a bit of an empire in the Near East (Israel, Palestine, Jordan, Syria, round the Dead Sea) that was going the same way; no one got up until daybreak, bingeing (tea) all day and always late for the camel auction (you don't want an ugly one!).

So Abdul, casting around (stones) for a solution, got a Greek in to read some history to him - and here Constantine seemed to be The Man. But Abdul needed a new burning cause to inspire his citizens, the baking Bedouin as he’s didn’t want to go down the Christian road again and the Jews - well they were just too much, always wailing about something or other…

So when he heard of this guy Mohammed, local wheeler dealer who'd come up with the ultimate sales pitch; “There’s only One God and I've got his Franchise.” Abdul thought about it for a nanosecond, 'Well it worked for old Conny and the Womans..!' (he'd a bit of a lisp) and so declared that everyone within his remit was now a Moslem (Yes, since yesterday!) and to make the point, knocked out a load of coins in Mohammed's name (its first ever recorded mention) and the good thing was that he didn't have to pay him any royalties or even split a pitch because Mohammed was safely dead these fifty years.

But then it didn't go too well for Abdul the First and he was replaced by Not Abdul the First who, looking around in much the same way after the smoke cleared (he lived above a herring factory) thought, “Well I didn't think much of Abdul the First, but his CC (crowd control methods, Religion) certainly seemed to work” and so went straight to it and had more coins minted, again featuring Mohammed...!

So there you have it; both Christianity and Mohammedism came about for the same reasons, two pagan fuhrers needing a quick social fix – a bit of crowd control, so opted for the nearest crowd pleaser... all they cared about was, 'did it work..?'

And the laugh was that Mohammed hadn’t even heard of Mecca, let alone ever having been there..! He was a good old Dead Sea boy through and through.

You read it here first..!

 

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS..!

I was recently ‘kettled’ by a group of people outside the Co-oP in the North End Road, Fulham. They were surprised when I asked were they Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“How did you know..?” the leader asked, a middle aged woman in a fake fur jacket.

“From the way you jostled me, it was either that or Romanian pickpockets – but they'd be better dressed” I answered.

Anyway they launched into a diatribe about our lord and his single minded determination to save me.

“Sorry, don’t do God, don’t need him,” I said, “I’m a grown-up and so take full responsibilities for my actions,” (bit of a wild claim, the grown up bit).

There was a moments silence and then one of them came back, “Do you have a family bible?”

When I conceded there was one, they looked at each other in wild surmise – well, mild satisfaction anyway.

“There you are,” said their leader, the lady in the coat. “You wouldn’t have one if it wasn’t useful” She ended on a high note and they all nodded to each other as if some clever point had been made.

I had to agree. “My mother beat my father to death with it!” (if only!).

I remain unshaved and unsaved.

This meeting actually happened.