Friday, 27 July 2018

Why I don't speak Spanish after forty years living there...!

This is a personal post explaining why after forty years living on and off in Spain I still hardly speak a word of Spanish. It becomes even more bizarre when I tell you that I was brought up in a multilingual (Gaelic and English) household in the West Highlands of Scotland, where English – the second language, is still the only language I can speak.
So what happened to Gaelic - my First Language? Nada - we simply never had a chance to learn it as our father would hit us across the face if we try to speak it. Why did he do this? Why did he stop us speaking our own, official and main language? Because he did all his business in Gaelic and being a sheep farmer, he didn’t want us going down the school and giving away to the other kids his plans to sell say, a sheep - or even a cow! Yes, that’s why he prevented us from speaking our own language!
Now I can only attribute these early, traumatic experiences to my lifelong and complete inability to learn another language (I tried to learn French in high school and later Hindustani in India, with no success).
And I have seriously tried to learn Spanish, signing up and attending at least half a dozen Spanish language courses and doing numerous online tutorials, over the last four decades - even had a Spanish girlfriend who didn’t have a word of English, so I hoped that not having a common language would force me to learn Spanish – except instead it led to a near perfect relationship, while every so often, she’d rear up and start slapping me vigorously about the face, as Latin ladies do! Of course, I’d no idea why except I knew it was nothing I’d said!
So it’s not laziness, arrogance or insularity that prevents me learning Spanish – but seem sourced in these nonsensically absurd traumas from my early youth…
By the way, this will all be in an autobiography I’m bringing out later this year.

GOOGLE TRANSLATION…
Esta es una publicación personal que explica por qué, después de cuarenta años de vida, la mayoría en España, apenas hablo una palabra de español. Se vuelve aún más extraño cuando te cuento que crecí en un hogar multilingüe (gaélico e inglés) en las Tierras Altas del Oeste de Escocia, donde el inglés, el segundo idioma, sigue siendo el único idioma que puedo hablar.
Entonces, ¿qué pasó con el gaélico, mi primer idioma? Nada, simplemente nunca tuvimos la oportunidad de aprenderlo porque nuestro padre nos golpeó en la cara si intentamos hablarlo. ¿Por qué hizo esto? ¿Por qué nos impidió hablar nuestro propio idioma oficial? Debido a que hizo todos sus negocios en gaélico y siendo un granjero de ovejas, no quería que bajáramos a la escuela y les diera a los otros niños sus planes de vender, por ejemplo, una oveja o incluso una vaca. Sí, es por eso que se nos impidió hablar nuestro propio idioma.
Ahora solo puedo atribuir estas experiencias tempranas y traumáticas a mi total incapacidad para aprender otro idioma (intenté aprender francés en la escuela secundaria y más tarde en hindi en India, sin éxito).
Y traté seriamente de aprender español, me inscribí y asistí al menos a media docena de cursos de español e hice numerosos tutoriales en línea durante las últimas cuatro décadas, incluso tuve una novia española que no hablaba nada de inglés, así que lo esperaba como nosotros progresó, y como yo no tenía un lenguaje común, me obligaría a aprender español, excepto que, en cambio, me llevó a una relación casi perfecta, mientras que de vez en cuando, ella se levantaba y comenzaba a abofetearme vigorosamente en el cara, como lo hacen las damas latinas! Por supuesto, no tenía idea de por qué, excepto que sabía que no era nada de lo que había dicho.
Por lo tanto, no es la pereza, la arrogancia o la insularidad lo que me impide aprender español, sino que parecen surgir de estos antiguos y absurdos traumas de mi temprana juventud ...
Por cierto, todo esto estará en una autobiografía que se lanzará más adelante este año ...


Sunday, 20 May 2018

Where's that meteorite when you need it...???

Jeremy Clarkson in today's Sunday Times talks about the most critical and profound problem facing us bipeds (humans) - that we're rapidly running out of food and water...!
At the beginning of the 19th century (about the time of the battle of Waterloo) there were approx. one billion humans on earth. Now there are seven and a half and in another thirty years, about ten
billion - and we hardly have the food or fresh water for them now!

Why isn't this mentioned at all - because it's simply unmentionable as there is no practical solution - if we start euthanizing people (and it will always be – THEM…!) …they will immediately start euthanizing us and NIMBY* will really come into its own…!

So where's that meteorite – the one that did for the dinosaurs - when you need it...?

*Not In My Back Yard

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

ASPECTS OF MODERN LIFE...

My emails are now hardly ever for me, but all from best friends I’ve never heard of, resolutely selling me something I don’t need - but always addressed to me, so I have to go through them all, for the few that might actually matter…

Saturday, 7 October 2017

A NOT VERY GOOD POEM ABOUT MODERN MARRAIGE...

Modern marriage is a maybe, Except when it’s also a gayday Because, new to the altar They’re rarely a balker While we now do wives - with prenupted, shelf lives...

Friday, 6 October 2017

The Tory party is going to be saved by a Lesbian Cage Fighter...!

A few years ago - or even weeks ago, it would have been impossible to believe that the Tory Party in England was about to be saved by a Scottish Lesbian, Ex-Cage fighter - but this now looks like the only way for them to get back to being a serious, electable force in the UK.

Teresa May is an obvious liability - as is Boris, the only other candidate with any appeal to the the voters (and he evidently has more enemies than friends in the higher reaches of his party)... so looks like Ruth Davidson will have to take over - although she's already said that she doesn't want the job.

Why her - a Lesbian Cage Fighter..? Well she's already turned the Scottish Tories from a party that was recently outnumbered, two to one, by Pandas - to 15 SMP's and she evidently has voter appeal and doesn't come across as a robot prepared to say anything to get elected!

Friday, 15 September 2017

New, Avant garde poetry - called ' YOU KNOW POETRY'

A conversation with two abandoned kitten, I've just taken in...

I live here too, you know!

...and I'm also sentient, you know!

And no matter how much you grow

I'll still be two hundred times your size...

you know...!


OTHER PEOPLE (INCLUDING ME)...

Most people don't listen

I'm one of them, you know!

Instead of trying to make sense of what you've just said

In an open monologue, 

they discuss with them selves, what they think you've said

- as if you weren't there, you know

Still getting away with it...!

So the BBC, an organisation that insists on total balance and impartiality – except in its employment, staffing requirements where, it has now been revealed (to no one’s surprise) that they recruit almost exclusively from the middle class, privately educated, social niche – except, off course for token gays and blacks!
Time to make it a subscription service only, obliging the thousands of managers with impenetrable titles to maybe, heaven forfend, look for real work in the real world, and then, who knows, we might actually have watchable programs that the billions of compulsory public money, is so assiduously failing to provide now…!

Monday, 4 September 2017

COMMAS....

I want to post on a faintly ridiculous subject - using or not using commas. I think I may use them too often but I see them as helping to get the sense of a sentence across - but then again, maybe I should leave that to the individual reader..?

Sunday, 23 July 2017

THE UTTER HYPOCRISY OF THE BBC...

What distinguishes the BBC from other media sources are two things; first the extremes of hypocrisy where, while assiduously proclaiming utilitarian, socialist values that conveniently cover the current fashionable, lefty, ice breakers of race and gender – mindsets that wouldn’t have been out of place on the Mount of Olives– behind the scenes, are just as assiduously living the opposite, where a cabal – no, it’s far too large to be a cabal, let’s call it a conspiracy, of white males, reign supreme…while hiding behind utterly lubricious, meaningless titles that defy definition…
The other thing that distinguishes the BBC, are the truly awful programmes they produce with the billions of public money they get…
Time to turn the BBC into a subscription service…

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Size doesn't matter...

We have, in the United Kingdom, the most expensive rail service in the world - by a factor of six, no less. They are probably also amongst the worst. Last Tuesday, will trying to get to Gatwick airport, I experienced Southern Rail (famous for all the wrong reasons!) when my taxi took me to the back entrance to Clapham Junction station.
Inside I was at the end of a long tunnel giving access to about 20 platforms and of course, there was no staff on duty. But I had allowed for that and had arrived early because, along with two cabin bags I had a hold bag weighing in excess of 22 kg (about 50 pounds). 

Looking round for information on where to buy a ticket, etc. I saw that the only other person there was a small dark girl who must’ve been all of 5 feet tall. Walking over to her, I asked where I could get a ticket and she said we have to go all the way to the front of the station, a distance of about quarter of a mile through the grey gloomy tunnel. She added that she would help me with my bags. With that she grabbed the big heavy hold suitcase and began pulling it through the tunnel, while I hurried to keep up.
We arrived at the main booking area, remember this is one of the busiest stations in the planet, and there was nobody on duty there either. I had to get a ticket from a machine, which meant I had to pay about £10 more than I normally would as it didn’t recognise my bus pass.

Our train, she was going to Gatwick as well, was leaving from platform 15, so we trailed back half way along the tunnel again and then, faced with about 40 steep steps to up to the platform, she picked up my 22 kg suitcase and virtually trotted up the steps. I was amazed.
Then, with a minute to go before the train was due, they announced a change of platform. We had about 50 seconds to  change platforms - to go back down the steps, along the tunnel and backup again to the new platform. This little girl, she was Italian by the way, then picked up my suitcase again and ran down the steps, along the tunnel and up the steps again to the new platform. I with about 10 kg to carry, again could barely keep up.
We got the train to Gatwick with seconds to spare, which if we’d missed, as the next train was in an hour’s time, would have meant missing my flight. Once safely in the carriage I asked the other passengers about this change of platform, announced less than a minute before the train was due. They all shrugged, it was evidently standard practice with Southern Rail.
When I went over to thank the little Italian girl for her incredible intervention which enabled me to catch my flight, she just laughed and turned away.



Sunday, 11 December 2016

Why we should move to the Highlands of Scotland (cold n' wet) - or southeast Spain...

Why we should now move to south east Spain – or the Highlands of Scotland!

The only certainty we’ve ever had, are of the laws of physics - and they’re not too certain anymore - as they evidently now change with time! But, never mind that, as everything else is a consequence, intended or otherwise - of these workings of the laws of physics.

About 60 million years ago, the dinosaur was the top species, huge and angry they roamed around stamping on or eating everything that moved (according to the Hollywood version of history). Then a large comet appeared from nowhere and plunged into the sea just off the Yucatán Peninsula in Mexico - and that was that for the dinosaurs! We humans soon replaced them as the top species because we had the three necessary attributes… a pair of thumbs and an insatiable greed.

Now, 60 million years on, it’s time for us to go - because we are, literally, destroying the very planet we govern! And who is going to manage this?
Well, nothing new here, folks - just the usual combination of the past and the future (which is just a clumsy description of time itself). And how are they going to do it? Through the good offices of an angry, psycho, 12-year-old boy who has now come into his wildest fantasy, controlling (as near absolutely) the most powerful nation on this benighted planet - with the nuclear elimination of the species just a button push away!

Of course, I’m talking here about ‘The Donald’. And who must we thank for his elevation to the highest office??? - THE Liberal Elite, of course – who’ve effectively governed us for the last six decades or so …and to an angry public’s reaction to them - to all these self-righteous, totally unselfish and altruistic gnomes who whilst spouting the most socialist (and sadly unworkable) principles of equality and fair play – make sure their access to caviar, Cadillacs...etc…etc... remains uninterrupted.

So, better move to south east Spain – as Donald’s (present) wife, quite likes it here…or the Highlands of Scotland – where his mother* comes from and he owns golf courses there!

*…why do you think he’s called, ‘Donald’ …and he could also be the first ELECTED Fascist since you-know-who, in 1933!

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Why we should now move to south east Spain – or to the Highlands of Scotland!

The only certainty we’ve ever had, are of the laws of physics - and they’re not too certain anymore - as they evidently now change with time! But, never mind that, as everything else is a consequence, intended or otherwise - of these workings of the laws of physics.

About 60 million years ago, the dinosaur was the top species, huge and angry they roamed around stamping on or eating everything that moved (according to the Hollywood version of history). Then a large comet appeared from nowhere and plunged into the sea just off the Yucatán Peninsula in Mexico - and that was that for the dinosaurs! We humans soon replaced them as the top species because we had the three necessary attributes… thumbs and an insatiable greed.

Now, 60 million years on, it’s time for us to go - because we are, literally, destroying the very planet we govern! And who is going to manage this?
Well, nothing new here, folks - just the usual combination of the past and the future (which is just a clumsy description of Time itself). And how are they going to do it? Through the good offices of an angry, psycho, 12-year-old boy who has now come into his wildest fantasy, controlling (as near absolutely) the most powerful nation on this benighted planet - with the nuclear elimination of the species just a button push away!

Of course, I’m talking here about ‘The Donald’. And who must we thank for his elevation to the highest office??? - THE Liberal Elite, of course – who’ve effectively governed us for the last six decades or so …and to an angry public’s reaction to them - to all these self-righteous, totally unselfish and altruistic gnomes who whilst spouting the most socialist (and sadly unworkable) principles of equality and fair play – make sure their access to caviar, Cadillacs...etc…etc... remains uninterrupted.

So, better move to south east Spain – as Donald’s (present) wife, quite likes it here…or the Highlands of Scotland – where his mother* comes from and he’s got golf courses there!

*…why do you think he’s called, ‘Donald’ …and he could also be the first ELECTED Fascist since you-know-who, in 1933!